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Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Ten Greatest Hits of my Life



  1. (1988?) KinderGarten. The first time I spelt my name. That might not seem like much but my name ‘Osomiame’ is actually quite long. Everyone, including my parents had always called me ‘Somi’. I used to write Somi in all my books. One day without even thinking about it I wrote my full name on a new book. Only realising what I had achieved afterwards. I was so excited I ran straight to my parents and basked in their congratulations.
  2. (2000) My private tutor in chemistry Mrs Elogie telling my mum that I was one of the best she had ever taught. 
  3. (2000) S.S.C.E Chemistry. Ehinomen asked me what I’d written in a certain question and heaved a sigh of relief when she found out she’d written the same thing.. Ehinomen!!!! 
  4. (2000) A1 in mathematics... Maths was always the easiest subject for me though. 
  5. (2001) Getting my correct Jamb score. I had received a wrong failing score at first. I thought I had failed until they sent my real score. 
  6. (2001) My SAT results... my percentiles had me very tickled. 
  7. (2002) Some guy who later went mad from smoking too much weed told me I was the most intelligent, articulate and well read girl he’d met in a while. He was brilliant. 
  8. (2007) Architectural history class. Prof Mrs. Ogunsote exclaiming after I’d answered a question “I knew she would get it right” 
  9. (2009) Anthonia Imokhai’s Yearbook Page. Best Friend: Osomiame Evangeline Ekhasomhi. 
  10. (2010) Tolu Akinyemi’s reply to my poem ‘and so it ends’. It was a beautiful moment.
 Other hits.
  • Hearing from my mum that my brother had gotten into the course and school he wanted. I was so happy I cried
  • Finding a note on which I had written “I love you daddy you are my hero” a long time ago in my father’s desk drawer
  • Visiting day SS2, It was already about 6pm and I thought no one was coming. My mum and sister came to see me.
  • My Aunt Paulina’s wedding in 1996. I was happy and crying at the same time
  • Hearing that I was an artist with words
  • (2005) my first screenplay, Hearing I had a wonderful way with words
  • My first make-up, A week after my first break-up.. I didn’t know I was crying until he told me.
  • My first computer
  • Discovering Yanni
  • Hey there Delilah.

German Man Castrates 17 year old Daughter's 57 year old Boyfriend

I just read somewhere that a father in Germany has castrated a 57 year old man with a bread knife for dating his 17 year old daughter.

What do you think?

Many people are quick to yell kudos... I’d do the same if it were my daughter etc.
While I am convinced that any fifty seven year old man carrying on an affair with a teenage girl is predatory and deserves the worst, the truth is he didn’t force her. It was a relationship. She agreed to it because she found something she wanted.

Now I understand what the father did, when it comes to our children we sometimes let our emotions rule our heads. We are more likely to turn into animals in protecting our children than in anything else. But he didn’t have a right to castrate the other man, his issue was with his daughter and he should have tried to find out what had driven her to a man so much older than herself.

Many parents will always see their children as their babies, the thought of such an old man putting his paws on your baby is enough to sicken and enrage any loving parent. But before we start picking up breadknives we should always take a deep breath and think.

PS... If any dude tried that with my daughter... Well….....

Monday, December 13, 2010

Ridiculously Underdressed... Again!

They say smart people never make the same mistake twice. I have always thought that I was smart but oddly my mistakes keep on repeating themselves. Does that mean that ‘They’ are wrong or that I’m not as smart as I think? (God forbid). Either way for the second time in a very short time I have ended up in the most embarrassing position imaginable., Ridiculously under-dressed at a party.

Let’s look back to about two years ago, during my service year. I was handling a design for someone, a friend of a friend. This man, who happened to be a widower, sometimes showed a more than professional interest in me. But I wasn’t very disturbed because there was hardly any opportunity for him to spend time alone with me. So he would call, tell me about the job I would send feedback, that kind of thing.

Anyway one day I was supposed to send him some company profiles right? He said he wasn’t in town but would be the next day Saturday. It was going to be a busy day but he would be at a party at Sheraton Ikeja for about four hours, perhaps I could bring the documents to him? I said yes.

So that day, a Saturday, I did my chores, dressed in jeans and a shirt and hopped in a cab to Ikeja ( the job was paying). I imagined that I would go to the banquet hall, call him from outside and he would come pick his papers. Abi?

I got to Sheraton and made my way to the banquet hall. I had been there for a dinner once before, while I was on IT. Except that day I’d worn a ball gown and everything. Now here I was wearing jeans, a shirt and black ballet flats trudging towards the banquet hall and calling the guy on the phone to tell him I was there.

The party was already in full swing. It was a 70th birthday plus book launch of some dude from Shell. Outside the hall the ushers at the door gave me the eye while I ignored them and waited for my friend to pick my call. And then, there he was with a smile on his face pulling me inside the hall. Before I knew what I was sitting at a table surrounded by guys in suits and native attire, all around me were ladies dressed glamorously in gowns and such and I was wearing jeans, not even black jeans...... blue!

Suffice it to say for the first thirty minutes I was too mortified to do anything aside from be totally miserable. Later on I perked up though, enjoyed the food and flirted a bit. But that was after I psyched myself into believing that despite my disgraceful state of dress...... I was really the most beautiful girl there... Hah..hah!

Anyway fast forward to last Friday. You know when someone invites you to a party and you’re not sure you’ll go and you tell them so, and then you forget all about the party, even the date, then on the day of the party they call and say “when are you coming? We’re waiting for you” and for some reason you can’t say no and you start rushing to get dressed etc? That happened to me last Friday. I was supposed to go to this Christmas party being organised by my friend’s office, Or rather she wanted me to come. I’d already told her I wasn’t sure.

I forgot all about the date.  I even woke up sick that day, after dilly dallying at home trying to decide whether to go to work or not, I finally went, under-dressed even for work... (It doesn’t matter at my workplace cause I’M AN ARCHITECT YAY!!)

Anyway, halfway into the day, while I was fooling around in the office pretending to work, my friend called me to remind me about the party.

“Oh I’m not coming” I said. ”I told you I wasn’t”

“No you didn’t” she exclaimed. “You said you were coming, why don’t you want to come?”... And so on and so forth.

So I told her I wasn’t dressed for it... and she said... “Don’t worry about it... The dress code is casual”.

It was not.

Thankfully it was an outdoor party.. and night came quickly.

Thank God for red wine, fruit smoothies and flirty guys... I kinda had fun....;)

Friday, December 3, 2010

The Interloper

The Interloper

She was only eight years old when it happened. They had gone to the village on holiday, to visit the grandparents. How different they were from all the other children, how clean, how refined, and how rich. their mother didn’t want them talking to any of the village children but their father insisted that they should, it was his village after all and before he had gone to the city and worked his way to wealth he had been as much a part of this dusty dirty village as any of the village children.

So they played hide and seek in the bush, ran with the village children to the stream, climbed trees and watched as old men smoked their pipes. Their mother hovered around fearfully, itching to pull them back from the people she saw as dirty and diabolic. But her husband won and she let them play.

Every morning they were bathed and dressed in their fine clothes, the girl who was eight wore little pink dresses with satin ribbons, the boy who was eleven, wore shorts and smart shirts. Everyday they returned home dirty and dusty, but exhilarated and happy.

One day the girl didn’t get up to play early enough and her brother went without her, by the time she caught up he was by in an abandoned farm with two of the older boys, where were the other children? She wondered. As she watched from the trees she saw that her brother was crying.

In the native dialect which both children had been taught from infancy the older boys were calling him a coward, they kept on saying ‘You must get us back our ball’.

She saw her brother look inside the old abandoned well, beside which they were standing, and shiver, one of the boys brought a rope ‘We will lower you inside’ they said, ‘it’s not deep, when you get the ball we will pull you back up’. 

She was watching when they lowered him inside, her handsome brother who was always first in his class, she was watching when they dropped the rope and walked away, she heard the splash, or maybe she imagined it, but when they had gone she ran to the well to help her brother, the ball was floating on the surface, but he wasn’t there.

As fast as her little girl legs could carry her she ran back to the house, to tell anyone to help, as she entered the living room, out of breadth who did she see but her brother sitting between her parents watching television.

Happily she ran and hugged him, he didn’t tease her or call he flower face as he always did, she didn’t wonder, she was too happy, she watched him throughout the day, glad that nothing had happened to him. But before night the strangest suspicion had began to build up in her mind. What if he wasn’t really her brother?

The next day all the other children went to play. But she went to the well, because she wanted to know for sure that her brother wasn’t there. But he was, by now his body had risen to the surface. She could see his clothes a little darker in the darkened interior of the well. If only she had seen through the interloper at once, maybe he would be alive, guilt boiled up in her mind, and sorrow, that little heart was filled with sorrow and it never lifted again.

Life changed after that, she never told a soul, she watched as the stranger filled all their lives and caused rifts, how he told her father the bad news that caused him to have the heart attack from which he never recovered, how we was the one who ‘mistakenly’ tripped her mother when she was pregnant that she fell down the stairs, lost her baby and her womb, it was always him, he had something to do with every tragedy that came and the tragedies were many.

He left her alone, as she left him, perhaps he knew that she knew or perhaps not, but he left her alone, until the time when he didn’t. 

She was to be married. And just before the wedding her fiancé went with her ‘brother’ to the bachelor party that had been arranged for him and he never returned, nobody ever knew how it happened but somehow they had been about six of them standing on the balcony of the hotel suite, someone remembered her brother whispering to her fiancé, others didn’t, but what everybody saw was her darling jump straight off the balcony and into pieces on the street.

She knew that she could never let it go, and later in front of the whole family, she confronted him ‘why did you kill him’, she asked.

Her parents were shocked, ‘of course your brother didn’t kill him’ they consoled her, ‘it was an accident’
‘He is not my brother’ she said and when she told them the whole story, they called a doctor and she was sedated. And the last thing she saw before she went under was his face, smiling.

When she awoke she pretended to have forgotten and while sympathizers came and went, she plotted. When she was ready, she went to her father’s room and took the gun he had bought and never used; she loaded it, went downstairs and shot her ‘brother’ dead.

After that it was a mental home, she slowly wasted away and when her parents had died, broken sad and alone, she died too. And there was nothing to remember that family by.

Years later when the village had become a town, and later a city, somebody bought the old farm with the old well. As they dug to lay the foundation piles, they found some bones, and when they were examined, they were found to be the bones of a young boy, between the ages of nine and thirteen.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Keys to Success


What is the difference between you and the most successful person you know? Are they blessed with some extraordinary talent that you couldn’t possess if you tried? Do they have more physical stamina, better health, more charisma, charm, beauty etc? I think not.
Every single characteristic that makes up part of the ingredients for success can be found in almost anybody, maybe not all the ingredients but at least some of them. Yet as many people possess these ingredients, many of them are still unsuccessful, why?
Because there is actually a difference between successful people and unsuccessful people, and it’s not luck, it’s not beauty, it’s not charisma. It’s something that most of them have no idea that they even have.
So before you start beating yourself up for not being more like Bill Gates or the charming new recruit in your office getting all the accolades, read the following:
  1. Help other people succeed: Success breeds success, the more of it you give, the more of it you get. Be sincerely interested in other people ideas and opinions, listen to problems and take your time to think about solutions to proffer. 100% of successful businesses result from one person providing a solution to a problem. Teach someone things you have learned. You would be surprised by how much you learn and how much more ideas and successes will come to you.
  2. Don’t let your ideas stagnate:  When you get an idea do not think too much about it. Do not overanalyze until it starts to seem like a bad idea. Act on it! Immediately! That’s what successful people do. They test their ideas as soon as they can. If it fails it’s easy to see what went wrong and how it can be fixed and if it works well, good for you!
  3. Build on your strengths: Be more of what you are; don’t try to be what you are not. Do not spend too much time trying to improve yourself. That way you stay focused on your weaknesses. Instead build on your strengths and forget whatever weaknesses you think you have.  In time you will find that your strengths have either grown enough to cover those weaknesses, or you have found a way to get around them.
  4. Accept your Mistakes: If you refuse to accept when you have made a mistake, you will never learn from it. Don’t ever let your ego make you stubborn, uncompromising and blind to your faults.
  5. Go the Extra Mile: All successful people do this, they always go the extra mile, and this is the most important rule to success. Don’t ever say I’ve done as much as I can, or I’ve done my best. ‘I’ve done my best’ as some people say is only as excuse for failure. Don’t do your best. Do what is required to get it done! That may be the biggest difference between who are today and who you will be tomorrow.

Monday, November 29, 2010

If Only They Could See

Yesterday was Harvest at my church. It was fun. I had fun. At first I and my friend just walked around ate a lot, drank a lot and chatted. That's what most people do at Harvests. Then we walked towards the Bazaar area, and out of the corner of my eye I noticed a couple of children wearing cloth made of the same material with a Reverend Sister sitting in their midst.

I always make jokes in my head about people, so I had already started on the joke to make when I noticed that some of them were staring into space with blank eyes. The rest had those tightly closed eyes that could only mean that they were blind.

I felt so horrible, here I was with my petty issues, making petty jokes at other people's expense, laughing my head off at every opportunity, complaining about stuff, and here were these children who would never see the sun rise, or choose pink over ox-blood, or ever see anything, and they were quietly eating their food and drinking their drinks.. I felt so horrible I started to cry.

Luckily my friend had wandered off, so I just backed into a corner and cried my eyes out.

I hope they had fun, I hope it was a great day for them. but it would be really great if only they could by some miracle, just see.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Being In Love With My Ass Ain’t Cheap….. Thanks CeeLo

I see you driving 'round town
With the girl I love and I'm like,
Fuck you!
Oo, oo, ooo
I guess the change in my pocket
Wasn't enough I'm like,
Fuck you!
And fuck her too!
I said, if I was richer, I'd still be with ya
Ha, now ain't that some shit? (ain't that some shit?)
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a...
Fuck you!
Oo, oo, ooo

Just fell in love with this song from Ceelo.. I have it on repeat ..Can't stop singing it. I love the part where he says..

"I pity the fool who falls in love with you…
She's a gold digger..
Just thought you should know nigger"

Great..

Being in love with my ass ain't cheap either.. tho am no gold digger… lol

Saw some fat chicks jogging in Festac on my way to work. Fat chicks jogging always crack me up. I don't know why. Maybe it's because they look sad… not sad in the way that makes you empathize…. Just sad in a way that makes you want to laugh.


PS I know I'll never be a fat chick jogging….;)

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Only Exception

Currently loving “The only Exception” by Paramore. I loved it when I first heard it a couple of weeks ago and then I forgot about it a little bit but then I saw Rachel (Lea Michele) sing it on Glee... wow!
 
You, are, the only exception and I’m on my way to believing in love............sweet.

On my way to work today there was a guy on the BRT bus with a cast around his hand and one of his fingers . On the cast people had written a lot of stuff like “Be Careful”, “Get Better Quickly’”, Get well soon”, “Take care we love you” and other such stuff. It was sweet. I was going to ask him if I could take a picture of the cast but I couldn’t work up the courage. Not that I’m not usually bold, in fact I am very bold. I just don’t know why I shrank today. Maybe I didn’t want to draw the attention of other people on the bus or something.

I saw Megamind about two days ago. I fell in love with Megamind despite his big blue head and badguyness. There is something about a guy sincerely in love that gets me everytime. I think it’s because guys in love are so rare. I know there are guys’ everywhere being crazy about this girl or that girl but a guy sincerely painfully, happily and truly in love is very rare indeed. It is truly a sight to behold. It’s a sight to melt the most hardened of hearts.

Girls in love don’t inspire the same sort of feelings in me no matter how sincerely in love they are. Maybe that’s because girls are always in love. It’s become too common.

I have a date on Saturday but my PM (Project Manager) wants me to come to work. Spending Saturday with a middle-aged white man poring over drawings is not my idea of fun at all.

Sometimes I wish people were like layers on an AutoCAD drawing that I can turn on and off whenever I like. Sometimes I’d just turn all the other layers off and be the only person in the world. Then I’d turn on the people I miss. And maybe the rest of the world when I feel like it. That would be great.

I have been in love with someone for a while now, as usual it’s someone who’s not really in my life. Well now I have decided to fall out of love, that’s usually the hard part, coming to that decision because no matter how dysfunctional my being in love usually is. It’s a feeling I enjoy. Oh well.

I don’t know what to say to the people who keep advising me to commit to someone. I have a problem with all kinds of commitment. Before I see a movie I want to know it won’t disappoint me. I can’t commit two hours of my time to something that would be terrible. It’s the same with books and people. Giving my time to someone is an idea that puts me off. I want to be able to always make a snap decision and follow it. I want to be able to spend time with someone I like when I feel like it and switch off with no questions asked when I’m bored... why is that so bad?

About a year ago I was with this guy who used to be so all over me ugh -I still don’t like physical contact with people, no matter how casual, except when I like it – (That makes no sense right?). Anyway I knew he wanted a serious relationship. So I started to imagine me, married to him, in his flat, living with him, having that together life and I actually started to feel nauseous. That’s the way the thought of commitment makes me feel. Trapped and suffocating. Maybe that's why I only ever go out with people who will soon undergo a transition that will take them far away from me.

Speaking of relationships, my first boyfriend had this phone with a voice recorder then, I used to have a lot of fun recording my voice on that phone. I found out later that he used to listen to my voice whenever I wasn’t around. That still makes me smile even though it was years ago..... I like being loved.

Oh and here are the lyrics to the song I was talking about.

The Only Exception - Paramore

When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist

But darling,
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

Well, You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't
Let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

Ohh---

You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, And I'm on my way to believing

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Another Day in My Life.

Just read that Tony Parker and Eva Longoria are getting divorced. Apparently Tony has been Sexting i.e sending sexual test messages to a mutual friend of the couple for months. I'm just thinking... Whats the point of being beautiful if Tony Parker is still going to cheat on Eva Longoria.

Never save a guy's number until he has called you a couple of times. That way you'll never have the added embarrassment of having saved his number even though he never called.
Never remember a guy's name until after he has called you a couple of times. He doesn't deserve a place in your memory until then.

There is just something not right about a girl spending her money on a guy. A girl should spend her money on herself, some of it on the kids (if there are any) and depending on if there is a ring on her finger or not.. tasteful presents for him.. PS they should never be as expensive as the presents he gets you. Before there is a ring on your finger (and even after) don't pay for dates.. don't go dutch even.. don't reach for your purse.. LET HIM PAY.

A guy who lets a lady pay has no real desire to impress her. A lady who pays a guys way is always resentful of him. This resentment finally turns to bitterness when she finds out he has been spending his peanuts impressing some other girl.

I can't stand a guy who complains all the time. if I ask 'How was your weekend' Just say fine even if it was not. I don't want to hear how you didn't get a blink of sleep because you had food poisoning because your girlfriend cooked Sharwarma because she cant cook spaghetti...

PS I saw some really nice Burberry shirts at Wranglers in Shoprite Yesterday. At N3800 they are much cheaper than a Ralph Lauren Polo but as nice if you ask me. If anybody is going to buy sha buy me a nice one.. Orange, Beige... whatever.

Friday, November 5, 2010

My Latest Realisation

I have found that I am very much in tune with the feelings and emotions of fictional characters I encounter in books and movies. I can relate so much to how they feel that I almost feel as much as them in that moment when I’m reading the book or watching the movie.

Today I was reading Bridget Jones’s diary. I read one part where there is a very emotional moment between Bridget Jones and Mark Darcy. I felt it so much, like I was there, like it was me and for about five minutes I was lost in this bubble of feeling. This made me think and ask myself, why do I feel so much for these people and situations which are not real and find it impossible to conjure up similar feelings in real life.

The truth is, these sort of moments, these emotional, romantic, tortuous moments. They never happen to me. Ridiculous moments, wildly funny moments, tense, angry, tearful moments yes, but romantic, emotional etc never.

Sometimes in retrospect I might think of an event and think maybe that qualifies, maybe at such and such moment I was really in an emotional situation, maybe this is what I was feeling and maybe he felt such and such emotions, but this is always in retrospect. I have never felt that sort of intense emotion in the present. I have never looked into someone’s eyes and been overcome by emotion (okay maybe once... I saw this guy I had a crush all dressed up and walking towards me and I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach).

Anyway today I started to think that maybe the reason why I feel so much for fictional characters is because I subconsciously channel my real feelings into fictional situations so I don’t have to deal with them. Real feelings very often end in hurt feelings. But in fiction, no matter what kind of book or movie it is, the good guys always win and the good people always end up together.

Anyway I have decided to be more in tune with my feelings. I have no idea how to achieve this especially since I have been saying this for about a year now. This is just one more element of my general “commitment phobia”
Still trying to deal with it though.

A Little Way to Improve Your Life

Have you ever thought about what you would do if money were no object?

I don’t mean the first things that come to your mind, the endless shopping sprees, the gadgets you really don’t need, the mansion, cars etc. I mean what you would do with your life if you knew you would never lack the money to fulfil all your needs.

Let’s say that today, everything changed and money suddenly became of no importance. What would you do?

Would you get rid of your job first, without a seconds thought? Probably. The fact that this would be the first thing that many people would do is a testimony to how few of us actually like our jobs.

What would you then do with your time? Would you spend more time with your family? Go out more? Travel? Spend time with your friends? Write a book? Start a blog? Go back to school? Start a website? Create a software?

Make a list of the things you would do with your time if it truly were your own.

These things are the things your heart really desires.

Now take that list and use it as a guide. Try as much as you can to arrange your time in such a way that you can do at least a few of those things.

This is just a little way to improve your life and well being.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Why Do We Love Our Parents?

Why do we love our parents?

Is it because they have nurtured us since we were little, made sacrifices for us, guided us, protected us e.tc.
If so then isn’t our love born only of gratitude?

Or do we love them because of the proximity? Because of the fact that we’ve lived with them? Become familiar with them?

Does it then follow that those who haven’t enjoyed that from of proximity with their parents love them less.

Or is it because of ownership? We know they belong to us. Other people cannot claim them, they are our own.

Is our love then possessive? Born of our selfish nature.

We cannot all say that we love our parents because of the good people they are. There are a lot of people with bad people as parents who still love them as much as if they were saints

Why then do we love our parents?

Is it the memories of the good times?

Or just the trust that they are the best match for us, that nobody else would have been as good a parent to us as they have been.

If it were possible for you to pick a set of parents out of a line-up of all the people of their generation you know, would you, without a shadow of doubt, pick your parents.

Just asking.

My thoughts.

I think we love our parents because of familiarity, knowledge, shared interests, gratitude, good memories and proximity.

As children we love them because they are kind to us and because we realise that they belong to us much more than anybody else belongs to us. They embody care and safety to us in a world where we cannot fend for ourselves.

As adults we love them because we appreciate the things they have done for us, the sacrifices they have made. And because we find it easier to understand the choices they made for us while we were growing.

I love my father because I’m very much like him, I’m sentimental like him, I love literature, history and poetry just like him. I appreciate the humour of a wickedly witty comment the same way he does. I love based on impressions and I never unlove no matter what, just like him. I also love him because I know I can put my life in his hands, I know he will sacrifice anything for me, I know he worries about me at night when he should be sleeping and that every day he keeps on trying, in his own way, even though he has taken me so far, to find ways in which he can improve my life.

I love my mother because she is sweet and good and she loves me with a heart-warming kind of love. When she sees me she hugs me and doesn’t want to let me go. And I know she secretly sees me as the little baby who used to sleep in her arms. I love her because I know she will go to the ends of the earth for me and cook something nice to feed me when she gets there.

I can’t think now of all the reasons why I love my parents. Why do you love your parents?

Friday, October 29, 2010

The F word

I like the versatility of the F-word.

There is simply no other word in the English language (or whatever language) which possess the chameleon like qualities of the F-word

As a great fan of the F-word and a great user in fact I can rightly say that it is possible to use this word in such a variety of contexts that it is positively mind boggling when you stop to think about it.

What other word, I ask, can rightfully take it’s place as a verb, an adverb, an adjective, an exclamation/interjection with so much confidence and savoir faire.... only the F-word can.

And the satisfaction it gives! (When you say it I mean... not when you do... well... the verb part of it...) the satisfaction is complete. Imagine trying to get a pot off the cooker... You have no idea how hot the pot has gotten, you only put it on two minutes ago. You take hold of the handles and suddenly you brain is seared with the greatest agony you ever felt...

f&$k!” You exclaim... and rightly so... it’s the only exclamation, the only swearword that would suffice in such a moment.

Imagine then that you’re watching predators 2010, like I did last week, and all those traps are springing open, everybody is within an inch of death for like five unstoppable minutes... now if like me you keep on repeating over and over again... “What the F&%k! What the f&%k!” no one can blame you... what else can you say when there’s so much adrenaline coursing from the screen to your blood? I mean. (Shrugs)

As an adverb, I must say nothing else compares. I could say you were so awfully stupid, but would it make you feel as bad as if I said you were so f&%king stupid? I don't think so. It would definitely not make me feel as good.

And in the context in which I’d never use it, not even among my closest friends (unless I were quoting someone of course)... as a verb... well lets just say... it does serve its purpose, in many languages.

I know swearing is bad... especially f-word swearing, which is why I don't swear in public... Except for the occasional “Damn!” but guess what. Swearing is good for you! According to a recent study conducted by the University of Blah Blah Blah... swearing during a crisis lowers your heart rate and makes you feel better.... ;)

So the next time you forget your car keys on the seventeenth floor, on the day when the lifts is not working and only realise when you’re already standing by your car ... Well.. Let it rip... just make sure the kids are nowhere near.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Me... Complicated

Around this time last year, I was robbed in a cab, in Lagos at about 9pm on a religious holiday night. What was I doing out, alone in a cab at that time of the night in a notorious city like Lagos? I can’t even remember. At that time Lagos wasn’t notorious to me, it was still a friendly place full of different types of people, most of them crazy, some of them entertaining and creative and none who would actually ever do me harm.

All that changed that night. I can still remember the shock and the fear, the numbing terror that I felt when the driver of the cab pulled over and put that cold heavy gun on my lap.

‘Have you ever used crutches before’ I think he said, ‘because if you scream I will blow your leg’.

I remember that day as if it was yesterday, even though I can’t remember the things I lost, a phone yes, I used to watch movies on that phone, and listen to the Funhouse album by P!nk and the Doll Domination album by the Pussycat Dolls, those where my favourite albums then. I lost some money too, my ATM cards along with my pin numbers (he threatened to test the numbers and blow my head off if they weren’t correct). And many other things that were so easily replaceable.

What I lost though, that wasn’t replaceable was my trust. I had begun to trust this mad city of screaming conductors, highways, BRTs and smelly gutters. I had acquired the ability to lounge and be perfectly happy wherever I was no matter how late it was getting, because I always trusted that when I was ready to go home I could just hop in a cab and be off.

I’ve lost that now, the trust. What I have gained instead is the fear. I no longer go out alone. I don’t go anywhere if I can’t be perfectly sure that I’ll be returned safely to my door. I’ve lost my ability to be carefree even though I always loved being carefree.

For me getting robbed that day in the cab by the taxi driver was like being betrayed by a man. Betrayal scars you. You decide to trust someone and then one day the rug is abruptly pulled from under your feet. I had begun to trust Lagos, to feel safe that nothing bad would ever happen to me in it, and then, rather like a man it disappointed me.

As when trust is lost in a relationship, it takes a long time for it to grow back. People who have been betrayed find it difficult if not impossible to ever trust again. It is the same for me now with cabs. On the few occasions in which I have had to take a cab again I have felt cold fear, blind panic and sometimes desperation. Every time a cab driver slows down or swerves to avoid a bump my heart misses a few beats. It’s ridiculous I know but I can’t help it.

Sometimes when I think I may have forgotten that night, it creeps up on me like a silent ghost. I imagine that I had tried to struggle and then I actually feel the pain as a bullet smashes into my body. Sometimes I stare into the muzzle of the gun as it goes off, right into my face. I am afraid I will never forget.

That man, the driver, scarred me so deeply and sometimes I wonder if he ever thought about it. Did it make a difference to him that he robbed me of some of my illusions, probably not. Would it have made a difference to him if he had pushed a dead body out of his car instead of dropping off a frightened girl with no money and no phone in a deserted Lagos road? I wonder.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Nostalgia

What are the things i feel nostalgic about?

That is a question that has too many answers.

Not long ago i went back to my old secondary school and as i walked along the acacia lined driveway ,it brought back so many memories, some as strong as if they only just happened and others like tiny wisps of silk or spiderwebs that broke as i tried to grasp them.

Some of my memories filled me with pain, some with joy but most of all i was left with an unexplainable longing, for things even i did not know.

I remember boarding school very well and it wasn't all that fun, i remember the punishment from seniors, the food which was never enough and missing home. I also remember the good times, cool evenings spent around the art studio sneaking peeks at the sometimes unbelievable paintings that students like us had done. I remember sneaking food out of the dining hall, making fun of seniors and teachers alike. It was so easy to have fun in school because there were so many laws to break and many ways to break them.

Sometimes i walk into a room, or open a wardrobe or a drawer and there is a smell. I dont know if it is a real smell or just imaginary but the smell always transports me back to my days in Federal Girls Benin, the bunk beds and arranged lockers, Cosmetics - Top shelf, Clothes -Middle shelf and Provisions - Bottom shelf. I remember forbidden trips to the staff quarters to buy items like sardines, sneaking into the teachers canteen to buy food, and playing volleyball in the games field.

These memories make me long for things that have passed, that i didn't necessarily enjoy when they were here. I don't want to be in boarding school again, counting the days till vacation. I am glad to be an adult.

Sometimes when i am feeling particularly blue and bemoaning the lack of beauty in this world, i remember the long driveway during the rainy season when the acacias have sprouted beautiful pink flowers, i imagine myself standing in between the trees with the green and pink providing a natural wallpaper behind me and the soft pink petals falling ever so slowly on me.

It is like poetry in motion, like the beauty of childhood, like carefree days gone by and there is only one word for the feeling this image conjures in me. Nostalgia.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

How to make her feel like the only girl in the world

All women want their men to make them feel like they are the only girl in the world. No woman wants to believe or suspect that there’s someone else their man would rather be with. It is the same for men. So while a man expects that his woman will only want him, he should also be prepared to make her believe at all times that she is the only woman for him.

How do you achieve this? Well the following points might not do it totally as there is no sure-fire formula that works for all women but they will go a long way to help you in your quest to make her feel as Rihanna says“like the only girl in the world”
  • Don’t stare at other women when you’re with her. Really guys don’t this is too annoying for words.
  • Don’t stare at other women’s breasts when you are with her.
  • Do tell her that she’s beautiful and gorgeous.
  • When you’re out with her don’t flirt with the waitress.
  • When your friends make a joke or a comment she doesn’t understand or allude to something she doesn’t know about take time out of the conversation to give her the full gist.
  • Remember the names of her siblings, friends and colleagues.
  • Don’t be too interested in her friends. Don’t talk too much about them, Don’t ask too many questions about them or else she’ll start wondering if you’d rather be with the friend in question.
  • I’ve been out with two guys at different times who really couldn’t keep their interest in one or two of my friends to a minimum. At some point I was like ‘Look. If you’re so interested in her, why aren’t you with her?
  • Call her up in the middle of a busy day just to let her know you were thinking of her.
  •  Remember the stuff she tells you, so that that when she makes reference to it and you remember, she’ll know you listen to her.
  • Take part in the things she like doing.
  • Only buy her presents she really wants.
  • Never forger valentine’s day, anniversaries and her birthday. And always come bearing gifts no matter how small.
  • Always introduce her as your girl..... there’s nothing worse than someone you think you’re dating who introduces you as a ‘friend’.
  • Tell your friends about her before you introduce her to them so that when you do they’ll know her name, where she’s from and what she does. This goes for your family too.
  • Hold her hand, put your arm around her waist especially in public.
  • Always stand up for her.
  • Respect her opinions.
  • When she’s going through stress, be supportive and always try to make her feel better.
  • Finally, make sure you tell her constantly that she is the only one and she means the world to you.

Monday, October 18, 2010

The Princess and the Puma - O Henry

There had to be a king and queen, of course. The king was a terrible old man who wore six-shooters and spurs, and shouted in such a tremendous voice that the rattlers on the prairie would run into their holes under the prickly pear. Before there was a royal family they called the man "Whispering Ben." When he came to own 50,000 acres of land and more cattle than he could count, they called him O'Donnell "the Cattle King."

The queen had been a Mexican girl from Laredo. She made a good, mild, Coloradoclaro wife, and even succeeded in teaching Ben to modify his voice sufficiently while in the house to keep the dishes from being broken. When Ben got to be king she would sit on the gallery of Espinosa Ranch and weave rush mats. When wealth became so irresistible and oppressive that upholstered chairs and a centre table were brought down from San Antone in the wagons, she bowed her smooth, dark head, and shared the fate of the Danaë.

To avoid lèse-majesté you have been presented first to the king and queen. They do not enter the story, which might be called "The Chronicle of the Princess, the Happy Thought, and the Lion that Bungled his Job."

Josefa O'Donnell was the surviving daughter, the princess. From her mother she inherited warmth of nature and a dusky, semi-tropic beauty. From Ben O'Donnell the royal she acquired a store in intrepidity, common sense, and the faculty of ruling. The combination was was worth going miles to see. Josefa while riding her pony at a gallop could put five out of six bullets through a tomato-can swinging at the end of a string. She could play for hours with a white kitten she owned, dressing it in all manner of absurd clothes. Scorning a pencil, she could tell you out of her head what 1545 two-year-olds would bring on the hoof, at $8.50 per head. Roughly speaking, the Espinosal Ranch is forty miles long and thirty broad—but mostly leased land. Josefa, on her pony, had prospected over every mile of it. Every cow-puncher on the range knew her by sight and was a loyal vassal. Ripley Givens, foreman of one of the Espinosal outfits, saw her one day, and made up his mind to f! orm a royal matrimonial alliance. Presumptuous? No. In those days in the Nueces country a man was a man. And, after all, the title of cattle king does not presuppose blood royal. Often it only signifies that its owner wears the crown in token of his magnificent qualities in the art of cattle stealing.

One day Ripley Givens rode over to the Double Elm Ranch to inquire about a bunch of strayed yearlings. He was late in setting out on his return trip, and it was sundown when he struck the White Horse Crossing of the Nueces. From there to his own camp it was sixteen miles. To the Espinosal ranchhouse it was twelve. Givens was tired. He decided to pass the night at the Crossing.

There was a fine water hole in the river-bed. The banks were thickly covered with great trees, undergrown with brush. Back from the water hole fifty yards was a stretch of curly mesquite grass—supper for his horse and bed for himself. Givens staked his horse, and spread out his saddle blankets to dry. He sat down with his back against a tree and rolled a cigarette. From somewhere in the dense timber along the river came a sudden, rageful, shivering wail. The pony danced at the end of his rope and blew a whistling snort of comprehending fear. Givens puffed at his cigarette, but he reached leisurely for his pistol-belt, which lay on the grass, and twirled the cylinder of his weapon tentatively. A great gar plunged with a loud splash into the water hole. A little brown rabbit skipped around a bunch of catclaw and sat twitching his whiskers and looking humorously at Givens. The pony went on eating grass.

It is well to be reasonably watchful when a Mexican lion sings soprano along the arroyos at sundown. The burden of his song may be that young calves and fat lambs are scarce, and that he has a carnivorous desire for your acquaintance.

In the grass lay an empty fruit can, cast there by some former sojourner. Givens caught sight of it with a grunt of satisfaction. In his coat pocket tied behind his saddle was a handful or two of ground coffee. Black coffee and cigarettes! What ranchero could desire more?

In two minutes he had a little fire going clearly. He started, with his can, for the water hole. When within fifteen yards of its edge he saw, between the bushes, a side-saddled pony with down-dropped reins cropping grass a little distance to his left. Just rising from her hands and knees on the brink of the water hole was Josefa O'Donnell. She had been drinking water, and she brushed the sand from the palms of her hands. Ten yards away, to her right, half concealed by a clump of sacuista, Givens saw the crouching form of the Mexican lion. His amber eyelids glared hungrily; six feet from them was the tip of the tail stretched straight, like a pointer's. His hind-quarters rocked with the motion of the cat tribe preliminary to leaping.

Givens did what he could. His six-shooter was thirty-five yards away lying on the grass. He gave a loud yell, and dashed between the lion and the princess.

The "rucus," as Givens called it afterward, was brief and somewhat confused. When he arrived on the line of attack he saw a dim streak in the air, and heard a couple of faint cracks. Then a hundred pounds of Mexican lion plumped down upon his head and flattened him, with a heavy jar, to the ground. He remembered calling out: "Let up, now—no fair gouging!" and then he crawled from under the lion like a worm, with his mouth full of grass and dirt, and a big lump on the back of his head where it had struck the root of a water-elm. The lion lay motionless. Givens, feeling aggrieved, and suspicious of fouls, shook his fist at the lion, and shouted: "I'll rastle you again for twenty—" and then he got back to himself.

Josefa was standing in her tracks, quietly reloading her silver-mounted .38. It had not been a difficult shot. The lion's head made an easier mark than a tomato-can swinging at the end of a string. There was a provoking, teasing, maddening smile upon her mouth and in her dark eyes. The would-be-rescuing knight felt the fire of his fiasco burn down to his soul. Here had been his chance, the chance that he had dreamed of; and Momus, and not Cupid, had presided over it. The satyrs in the wood were, no doubt, holding their sides in hilarious, silent laughter. There had been something like vaudeville—say Signor Givens and his funny knockabout act with the stuffed lion.

"Is that you, Mr. Givens?" said Josefa, in her deliberate, saccharine contralto. "You nearly spoiled my shot when you yelled. Did you hurt your head when you fell?"

"Oh, no," said Givens, quietly; "that didn't hurt." He stooped ignominiously and dragged his best Stetson hat from under the beast. It was crushed and wrinkled to a fine comedy effect. Then he knelt down and softly stroked the fierce, open-jawed head of the dead lion.

"Poor old Bill!" he exclaimed, mournfully.

"What's that?" asked Josefa, sharply.

"Of course you didn't know, Miss Josefa," said Givens, with an air of one allowing magnanimity to triumph over grief. "Nobody can blame you. I tried to save him, but I couldn't let you know in time."

"Save who?"

"Why, Bill. I've been looking for him all day. You see, he's been our camp pet for two years. Poor old fellow, he wouldn't have hurt a cottontail rabbit. It'll break the boys all up when they hear about it. But you couldn't tell, of course, that Bill was just trying to play with you."

Josefa's black eyes burned steadily upon him. Ripley Givens met the test successfully. He stood rumpling the yellow-brown curls on his head pensively. In his eyes was regret, not unmingled with a gentle reproach. His smooth features were set to a pattern of indisputable sorrow. Josefa wavered.

"What was your pet doing here?" she asked, making a last stand. "There's no camp near the White Horse Crossing."

"The old rascal ran away from camp yesterday," answered Givens, readily. "It's a wonder the coyotes didn't scare him to death. You see, Jim Webster, our horse wrangler, brought a little terrier pup into camp last week. The pup made life miserable for Bill—he used to chase him around and chew his hind legs for hours at a time. Every night when bedtime came Bill would sneak under one of the boys' blankets and sleep to keep the pup from finding him. I reckon he must have been worried pretty desperate or he wouldn't have run away. He was always afraid to get out of sight of camp."

Josefa looked at the body of the fierce animal. Givens gently patted one of the formidable paws that could have killed a yearling calf with one blow. Slowly a red flush widened upon the dark olive face of the girl. Was it the signal of shame of the true sportsman who has brought down ignoble quarry? Her eyes grew softer, and the lowered lids drove away all their bright mockery.

"I'm very sorry," she said, humbly; "but he looked so big, and jumped so high that—"

"Poor old Bill was hungry," interrupted Givens, in quick defence of the deceased. "We always made him jump for his supper in camp. He would lie down and roll over for a piece of meat. When he saw you he thought he was going to get something to eat from you."

Suddenly Josefa's eyes opened wide.

"I might have shot you!" she exclaimed. "You ran right in between. You risked your life to save your pet! That was fine, Mr. Givens. I like a man who is kind to animals."

Yes; there was even admiration in her gaze now. After all, there was a hero rising out of the ruins of the anti-climax. The look on Givens's face would have secured him a high position in the S.P.C.A.

"I always loved 'em," said he; "horses, dogs, Mexican lions, cows, alligators—"

"I hate alligators," instantly demurred Josefa; "crawly, muddy things!"

"Did I say alligators?" said Givens. "I meant antelopes, of course."

Josefa's conscience drove her to make further amends. She held out her hand penitently. There was a bright, unshed drop in each of her eyes.

"Please forgive me, Mr. Givens, won't you? I'm only a girl, you know, and I was frightened at first. I'm very, very sorry I shot Bill. You don't know how ashamed I feel. I wouldn't have done it for anything."

Givens took the proffered hand. He held it for a time while he allowed the generosity of his nature to overcome his grief at the loss of Bill. At last it was clear that he had forgiven her.

"Please don't speak of it any more, Miss Josefa. 'Twas enough to frighten any young lady the way Bill looked. I'll explain it all right to the boys."

"Are you really sure you don't hate me?" Josefa came closer to him impulsively. Her eyes were sweet—oh, sweet and pleading with gracious penitence. "I would hate any one who would kill my kitten. And how daring and kind of you to risk being shot when you tried to save him! How very few men would have done that!" Victory wrested from defeat! Vaudeville turned into drama! Bravo, Ripley Givens!

It was now twilight. Of course Miss Josefa could not be allowed to ride on to the ranch-house alone. Givens resaddled his pony in spite of that animal's reproachful glances, and rode with her. Side by side they galloped across the smooth grass, the princess and the man who was kind to animals. The prairie odors of fruitful earth and delicate bloom were thick and sweet around them. Coyotes yelping over there on the hill! No fear. And yet—

Josefa rode closer. A little hand seemed to grope. Givens found it with his own. The ponies kept an even gait. The hands lingered together, and the owner of one explained.

"I never was frightened before, but just think! How terrible it would be to meet a really wild lion! Poor Bill! I'm so glad you came with me!"

O'Donnell was sitting on the ranch gallery

"Hello, Rip!" he shouted—"that you?"

"He rode in with me," said Josefa. "I lost my way and was late."

"Much obliged," called the cattle king. "Stop over, Rip, and ride to camp in the morning."

But Givens would not. He would push on to camp. There was a bunch of steers to start off on the trail at daybreak. He said good-night, and trotted away.

An hour later, when the lights were out, Josefa, in her night-robe, came to her door and called to the king in his own room across the brick-paved hallway:

"Say, Pop, you know that old Mexican lion they call the 'Gotch-eared Devil'—the one that killed Gonzales, Mr. Martin's sheep herder, and about fifty calves on the Salada range? Well, I settled his hash this afternoon over at the White Horse Crossing. Put two balls in his head with my .38 while he was on the jump. I knew him by the slice gone from his left ear that old Gonzales cut off with his machete. You couldn't have made a better shot yourself, Daddy."

"Bully for you!" thundered Whispering Ben from the darkness of the royal chamber.

Cell One -Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

The first time our house was robbed, it was our neighbor Osita who climbed in through the dining-room window and stole our TV and VCR, and the “Purple Rain” and “Thriller” videotapes that my father had brought back from America. The second time our house was robbed, it was my brother Nnamabia, who faked a break-in and stole my mother’s jewelry. It happened on a Sunday. My parents had travelled to their home town to visit our grandparents, so Nnamabia and I went to church alone. He drove my mother’s green Peugeot 504. We sat together in church as we usually did, but we did not have time to nudge each other and stifle giggles about somebody’s ugly hat or threadbare caftan, because Nnamabia left without a word after ten minutes. He came back just before the priest said, “The Mass is ended, go in peace.” I was a little piqued. I imagined that he had gone off to smoke or to see some girl, since he had the car to himself for once; but he could at least have told me. We drove home in silence, and when he parked in our long driveway I stayed back to pick some ixora flowers while Nnamabia unlocked the front door. I went inside to find him standing in the middle of the parlor.


“We’ve been robbed!” he said.


It took me a moment to take in the room. Even then, I felt that there was a theatrical quality to the way the drawers had been flung open. Or perhaps it was simply that I knew my brother too well. Later, when my parents had come home and neighbors began to troop in to say ndo—sorry—and to snap their fingers and heave their shoulders up and down, I sat alone in my room upstairs and realized what the queasiness in my gut was: Nnamabia had done it, I knew. My father knew, too. He pointed out that the window louvres had been slipped out from the inside, rather than from the outside (Nnamabia was usually smarter than that—perhaps he had been in a hurry to get back to church before Mass ended), and that the robber knew exactly where my mother’s jewelry was: in the back left corner of her metal trunk. Nnamabia stared at my father with wounded eyes and said that he may have done horrible things in the past, things that had caused my parents pain, but that he had done nothing in this case. He walked out the back door and did not come home that night. Or the next night. Or the night after. Two weeks later, he came home gaunt, smelling of beer, crying, saying he was sorry, that he had pawned the jewelry to the Hausa traders in Enugu, and that all the money was gone.


“How much did they give you for my gold?” our mother asked him. And when he told her she placed both hands on her head and cried, “Oh! Oh! Chi m egbuo m! My God has killed me!” I wanted to slap her. My father asked Nnamabia to write a report: how he had pawned the jewelry, what he had spent the money on, with whom he had spent it. I didn’t think that Nnamabia would tell the truth, and I don’t think that my father thought he would, but he liked reports, my professor father, he liked to have things written down and nicely documented. Besides, Nnamabia was seventeen, with a carefully tended beard. He was already between secondary school and university, and was too old for caning. What else could my father have done? After Nnamabia had written the report, my father filed it in the steel cabinet in his study where he kept our school papers.


“That he could hurt his mother like that!” was the last thing my father said on the subject.


But Nnamabia hadn’t set out to hurt her. He had done it because my mother’s jewelry was the only thing of any value in the house: a lifetime’s accumulation of solid-gold pieces. He had done it, too, because other sons of professors were doing it. This was the season of thefts on our serene campus. Boys who had grown up watching “Sesame Street,” reading Enid Blyton, eating cornflakes for breakfast, and attending the university staff primary school in polished brown sandals were now cutting through the mosquito netting of their neighbors’ windows, sliding out glass louvres, and climbing in to steal TVs and VCRs. We knew the thieves. Still, when the professors saw one another at the staff club or at church or at a faculty meeting, they were careful to moan about the riffraff from town coming onto their sacred campus to steal.


The thieving boys were the popular ones. They drove their parents’ cars in the evening, their seats pushed back and their arms stretched out to reach the steering wheel. Osita, our neighbor who had stolen our TV only weeks before Nnamabia’s theft, was lithe and handsome in a brooding sort of way, and walked with the grace of a cat. His shirts were always crisply ironed, and I used to watch him across the hedge, then close my eyes and imagine that he was walking toward me, coming to claim me as his. He never noticed me. When he stole from us, my parents did not go over to Professor Ebube’s house to ask for our things back. But they knew it was Osita. Osita was two years older than Nnamabia; most of the thieving boys were a little older than Nnamabia, and maybe that was why Nnamabia had not stolen from another person’s house. Perhaps he did not feel old enough, qualified enough, for anything more serious than my mother’s jewelry.


Nnamabia looked just like my mother—he had her fair complexion and large eyes, and a generous mouth that curved perfectly. When my mother took us to the market, traders would call out, “Hey! Madam, why did you waste your fair skin on a boy and leave the girl so dark? What is a boy doing with all this beauty?” And my mother would chuckle, as though she took a mischievous and joyful responsibility for Nnamabia’s looks.

When, at eleven, Nnamabia broke the window of his classroom with a stone, my mother gave him the money to replace it and didn’t tell my father. When, a few years later, he took the key to my father’s car and pressed it into a bar of soap that my father found before Nnamabia could take it to a locksmith, she made vague sounds about how he was just experimenting and it didn’t mean anything. When he stole the exam questions from the study and sold them to my father’s students, she yelled at him, but then told my father that Nnamabia was sixteen, after all, and really should be given more pocket money.


I don’t know whether Nnamabia felt remorse for stealing her jewelry. I could not always tell from my brother’s gracious, smiling face what he really felt. He and I did not talk about it, and neither did my parents. Even though my mother’s sisters sent her their gold earrings, even though she bought a new gold chain from Mrs. Mozie—the glamorous woman who imported gold from Italy—and began to drive to Mrs. Mozie’s house once a month to pay in installments, we never talked about what had happened to her jewelry. It was as if by pretending that Nnamabia had not done the things he had done we could give him the opportunity to start afresh. The robbery might never have been mentioned again if Nnamabia had not been arrested two years later, in his second year of university.


By then, it was the season of cults on the Nsukka campus, when signs all over the university read in bold letters, “SAY NO TO CULTS.” The Black Axe, the Buccaneers, and the Pirates were the best known. They had once been benign fraternities, but they had evolved, and now eighteen-year-olds who had mastered the swagger of American rap videos were undergoing secret initiations that sometimes left one or two of them dead on Odim Hill. Guns and tortured loyalties became common. A boy would leer at a girl who turned out to be the girlfriend of the Capone of the Black Axe, and that boy, as he walked to a kiosk later to buy a cigarette, would be stabbed in the thigh. He would turn out to be a Buccaneer, and so one of his fellow-Buccaneers would go to a beer parlor and shoot the nearest Black Axe in the leg, and then the next day another Buccaneer would be shot dead in the refectory, his body falling onto aluminum plates of garri, and that evening a Black Axe—a professor’s son—would be hacked to death in his room, his CD player splattered with blood. It was inane. It was so abnormal that it quickly became normal. Girls stayed in their rooms after classes, and lecturers quivered, and when a fly buzzed too loudly people jumped. So the police were called in. They sped across campus in their rickety blue Peugeot 505 and glowered at the students, their rusty guns poking out of the car windows. Nnamabia came home from his lectures laughing. He thought that the police would have to do better than that; everyone knew the cult boys had newer guns.


My parents watched Nnamabia with silent concern, and I knew that they, too, were wondering if he was in a cult. Cult boys were popular, and Nnamabia was very popular. Boys yelled out his nickname—“The Funk!”—and shook his hand whenever he passed by, and girls, especially the popular ones, hugged him for too long when they said hello. He went to all the parties, the tame ones on campus and the wilder ones in town, and he was the kind of ladies’ man who was also a guy’s guy, the kind who smoked a packet of Rothmans a day and was reputed to be able to finish a case of Star beer in a single sitting. But it seemed more his style to befriend all the cult boys and yet not be one himself. And I was not entirely sure, either, that my brother had whatever it took—guts or diffidence—to join a cult.


The only time I asked him if he was in a cult, he looked at me with surprise, as if I should have known better than to ask, before replying, “Of course not.” I believed him. My dad believed him, too, when he asked. But our believing him made little difference, because he had already been arrested for belonging to a cult.

This is how it happened. On a humid Monday, four cult members waited at the campus gate and waylaid a professor driving a red Mercedes. They pressed a gun to her head, shoved her out of the car, and drove it to the Faculty of Engineering, where they shot three boys who were coming out of the building. It was noon. I was in a class nearby, and when we heard the shots our lecturer was the first to run out the door. There was loud screaming, and suddenly the stairwells were packed with scrambling students unsure where to run. Outside, the bodies lay on the lawn. The Mercedes had already screeched away. Many students hastily packed their bags, and okada drivers charged twice the usual fare to take them to the motor park to get on a bus. The vice-chancellor announced that all evening classes would be cancelled and everyone had to stay indoors after 9 P.M. This did not make much sense to me, since the shooting had happened in sparkling daylight, and perhaps it did not make sense to Nnamabia, either, because the first night of the curfew he didn’t come home. I assumed that he had spent the night at a friend’s; he did not always come home anyway. But the next morning a security man came to tell my parents that Nnamabia had been arrested at a bar with some cult boys and was at the police station. My mother screamed, “Ekwuzikwana! Don’t say that!” My father calmly thanked the security man. We drove to the police station in town, and there a constable chewing on the tip of a dirty pen said, “You mean those cult boys arrested last night? They have been taken to Enugu. Very serious case! We must stop this cult business once and for all!”


We got back into the car, and a new fear gripped us all. Nsukka, which was made up of our slow, insular campus and the slower, more insular town, was manageable; my father knew the police superintendent. But Enugu was anonymous. There the police could do what they were famous for doing when under pressure to produce results: kill people.


The Enugu police station was in a sprawling, sandy compound. My mother bribed the policemen at the desk with money, and with jollof rice and meat, and they allowed Nnamabia to come out of his cell and sit on a bench under a mango tree with us. Nobody asked why he had stayed out the night before. Nobody said that the police were wrong to walk into a bar and arrest all the boys drinking there, including the barman. Instead, we listened to Nnamabia talk.


“If we ran Nigeria like this cell,” he said, “we would have no problems. Things are so organized. Our cell has a chief and he has a second-in-command, and when you come in you are expected to give them some money. If you don’t, you’re in trouble.”


“And did you have any money?” my mother asked.


Nnamabia smiled, his face more beautiful than ever, despite the new pimple-like insect bite on his forehead, and said that he had slipped his money into his anus shortly after the arrest. He knew the policemen would take it if he didn’t hide it, and he knew that he would need it to buy his peace in the cell. My parents said nothing for a while. I imagined Nnamabia rolling hundred-naira notes into a thin cigarette shape and then reaching into the back of his trousers to slip them into himself. Later, as we drove back to Nsukka, my father said, “This is what I should have done when he stole your jewelry. I should have had him locked up in a cell.”


My mother stared out the window.


“Why?” I asked.


“Because this has shaken him. Couldn’t you see?” my father asked with a smile. I couldn’t see it. Nnamabia had seemed fine to me, slipping his money into his anus and all.


Nnamabia’s first shock was seeing a Buccaneer sobbing. The boy was tall and tough, rumored to have carried out one of the killings and likely to become Capone next semester, and yet there he was in the cell, cowering and sobbing after the chief gave him a light slap on the back of the head. Nnamabia told me this in a voice lined with both disgust and disappointment; it was as if he had suddenly been made to see that the Incredible Hulk was really just painted green. His second shock was learning about the cell farthest away from his, Cell One. He had never seen it, but every day two policemen carried a dead man out of Cell One, stopping by Nnamabia’s cell to make sure that the corpse was seen by all.


Those in the cell who could afford to buy old plastic paint cans of water bathed every other morning. When they were let out into the yard, the policemen watched them and often shouted, “Stop that or you are going to Cell One now!” Nnamabia could not imagine a place worse than his cell, which was so crowded that he often stood pressed against the wall. The wall had cracks where tiny kwalikwata lived; their bites were fierce and sharp, and when he yelped his cellmates mocked him. The biting was worse during the night, when they all slept on their sides, head to foot, to make room for one another, except the chief, who slept with his whole back lavishly on the floor. It was also the chief who divided up the two plates of rice that were pushed into the cell every day. Each person got two mouthfuls.


Nnamabia told us this during the first week. As he spoke, I wondered if the bugs in the wall had bitten his face or if the bumps spreading across his forehead were due to an infection. Some of them were tipped with cream-colored pus. Once in a while, he scratched at them. I wanted him to stop talking. He seemed to enjoy his new role as the sufferer of indignities, and he did not understand how lucky he was that the policemen allowed him to come out and eat our food, or how stupid he’d been to stay out drinking that night, and how uncertain his chances were of being released.


We visited him every day for the first week. We took my father’s old Volvo, because my mother’s Peugeot was unsafe for trips outside Nsukka. By the end of the week, I noticed that my parents were acting differently—subtly so, but differently. My father no longer gave a monologue, as soon as we were waved through the police checkpoints, on how illiterate and corrupt the police were. He did not bring up the day when they had delayed us for an hour because he’d refused to bribe them, or how they had stopped a bus in which my beautiful cousin Ogechi was travelling and singled her out and called her a whore because she had two cell phones, and asked her for so much money that she had knelt on the ground in the rain begging them to let her go. My mother did not mumble that the policemen were symptoms of a larger malaise. Instead, my parents remained silent. It was as if by refusing to criticize the police they would somehow make Nnamabia’s freedom more likely. “Delicate” was the word the superintendent at Nsukka had used. To get Nnamabia out anytime soon would be delicate, especially with the police commissioner in Enugu giving gloating, preening interviews about the arrest of the cultists. The cult problem was serious. Big Men in Abuja were following events. Everybody wanted to seem as if he were doing something.


The second week, I told my parents that we were not going to visit Nnamabia. We did not know how long this would last, and petrol was too expensive for us to drive three hours every day. Besides, it would not hurt Nnamabia to fend for himself for one day.


My mother said that nobody was begging me to come—I could sit there and do nothing while my innocent brother suffered. She started walking toward the car, and I ran after her. When I got outside, I was not sure what to do, so I picked up a stone near the ixora bush and hurled it at the windshield of the Volvo. I heard the brittle sound and saw the tiny lines spreading like rays on the glass before I turned and dashed upstairs and locked myself in my room. I heard my mother shouting. I heard my father’s voice. Finally, there was silence. Nobody went to see Nnamabia that day. It surprised me, this little victory.


We visited him the next day. We said nothing about the windshield, although the cracks had spread out like ripples on a frozen stream. The policeman at the desk, the pleasant dark-skinned one, asked why we had not come the day before—he had missed my mother’s jollof rice. I expected Nnamabia to ask, too, even to be upset, but he looked oddly sober. He did not eat all of his rice.


“What is wrong?” my mother said, and Nnamabia began to speak almost immediately, as if he had been waiting to be asked. An old man had been pushed into his cell the day before—a man perhaps in his mid-seventies, white-haired, skin finely wrinkled, with an old-fashioned dignity about him. His son was wanted for armed robbery, and when the police had not been able to find his son they had decided to lock up the father.


“The man did nothing,” Nnamabia said.


“But you did nothing, either,” my mother said.


Nnamabia shook his head as if our mother did not understand. The following days, he was more subdued. He spoke less, and mostly about the old man: how he could not afford bathing water, how the others made fun of him or accused him of hiding his son, how the chief ignored him, how he looked frightened and so terribly small.


“Does he know where his son is?” my mother asked.


“He has not seen his son in four months,” Nnamabia said.


“Of course it is wrong,” my mother said. “But this is what the police do all the time. If they do not find the person they are looking for, they lock up his relative.”


“The man is ill,” Nnamabia said. “His hands shake, even when he’s asleep.”


He closed the container of rice and turned to my father. “I want to give him some of this, but if I bring it into the cell the chief will take it.”


My father went over and asked the policeman at the desk if we could be allowed to see the old man in Nnamabia’s cell for a few minutes. The policeman was the light-skinned acerbic one who never said thank you when my mother handed over the rice-and-money bribe, and now he sneered in my father’s face and said that he could well lose his job for letting even Nnamabia out and yet now we were asking for another person? Did we think this was visiting day at a boarding school? My father came back and sat down with a sigh, and Nnamabia silently scratched at his bumpy face.


The next day, Nnamabia barely touched his rice. He said that the policemen had splashed soapy water on the floor and walls of the cell, as they usually did, and that the old man, who had not bathed in a week, had yanked his shirt off and rubbed his frail back against the wet floor. The policemen started to laugh when they saw him do this, and then they asked him to take all his clothes off and parade in the corridor outside the cell; as he did, they laughed louder and asked whether his son the thief knew that Papa’s buttocks were so shrivelled. Nnamabia was staring at his yellow-orange rice as he spoke, and when he looked up his eyes were filled with tears, my worldly brother, and I felt a tenderness for him that I would not have been able to describe if I had been asked to.


There was another attack on campus—a boy hacked another boy with an axe—two days later.


“This is good,” my mother said. “Now they cannot say that they have arrested all the cult boys.” We did not go to Enugu that day; instead my parents went to see the local police superintendent, and they came back with good news. Nnamabia and the barman were to be released immediately. One of the cult boys, under questioning, had insisted that Nnamabia was not a member. The next day, we left earlier than usual, without jollof rice. My mother was always nervous when we drove, saying to my father, “Nekwa ya! Watch out!,” as if he could not see the cars making dangerous turns in the other lane, but this time she did it so often that my father pulled over before we got to Ninth Mile and snapped, “Just who is driving this car?”


Two policemen were flogging a man with koboko as we drove into the police station. At first, I thought it was Nnamabia, and then I thought it was the old man from his cell. It was neither. I knew the boy on the ground, who was writhing and shouting with each lash. He was called Aboy and had the grave ugly face of a hound; he drove a Lexus around campus and was said to be a Buccaneer. I tried not to look at him as we walked inside. The policeman on duty, the one with tribal marks on his cheeks who always said “God bless you” when he took his bribe, looked away when he saw us, and I knew that something was wrong. My parents gave him the note from the superintendent. The policeman did not even glance at it. He knew about the release order, he told my father; the barman had already been released, but there was a complication with the boy. My mother began to shout, “What do you mean? Where is my son?”


The policeman got up. “I will call my senior to explain to you.”


My mother rushed at him and pulled on his shirt. “Where is my son? Where is my son?” My father pried her away, and the policeman brushed at his chest, as if she had left some dirt there, before he turned to walk away.


“Where is our son?” my father asked in a voice so quiet, so steely, that the policeman stopped.


“They took him away, sir,” he said.


“They took him away? What are you saying?” my mother was yelling. “Have you killed my son? Have you killed my son?”


“Where is our son?” my father asked again.


“My senior said I should call him when you came,” the policeman said, and this time he hurried through a door.


It was after he left that I felt suddenly chilled by fear; I wanted to run after him and, like my mother, pull at his shirt until he produced Nnamabia. The senior policeman came out, and I searched his blank face for clues.

“Good day, sir,” he said to my father.


“Where is our son?” my father asked. My mother breathed noisily.


“No problem, sir. It is just that we transferred him. I will take you there right away.” There was something nervous about the policeman; his face remained blank, but he did not meet my father’s eyes.


“Transferred him?”


“We got the order this morning. I would have sent somebody for him, but we don’t have petrol, so I was waiting for you to come so that we could go together.”


“Why was he transferred?”


“I was not here, sir. They said that he misbehaved yesterday and they took him to Cell One, and then yesterday evening there was a transfer of all the people in Cell One to another site.”


“He misbehaved? What do you mean?”


“I was not here, sir.”


My mother spoke in a broken voice: “Take me to my son! Take me to my son right now!”


I sat in the back with the policeman, who smelled of the kind of old camphor that seemed to last forever in my mother’s trunk. No one spoke except for the policeman when he gave my father directions. We arrived about fifteen minutes later, my father driving inordinately fast. The small, walled compound looked neglected, with patches of overgrown grass strewn with old bottles and plastic bags. The policeman hardly waited for my father to stop the car before he opened the door and hurried out, and again I felt chilled. We were in a godforsaken part of town, and there was no sign that said “Police Station.” There was a strange deserted feeling in the air. But the policeman soon emerged with Nnamabia. There he was, my handsome brother, walking toward us, seemingly unchanged, until he came close enough for my mother to hug him, and I saw him wince and back away—his arm was covered in soft-looking welts. There was dried blood around his nose.


“Why did they beat you like this?” my mother asked him. She turned to the policeman. “Why did you people do this to my son? Why?”


The man shrugged. There was a new insolence to his demeanor; it was as if he had been uncertain about Nnamabia’s well-being but now, reassured, could let himself talk. “You cannot raise your children properly—all of you people who feel important because you work at the university—and when your children misbehave you think they should not be punished. You are lucky they released him.”


My father said, “Let’s go.”


He opened the door and Nnamabia climbed in, and we drove home. My father did not stop at any of the police checkpoints on the road, and, once, a policeman gestured threateningly with his gun as we sped past. The only time my mother opened her mouth on the drive home was to ask Nnamabia if he wanted us to stop and buy some okpa. Nnamabia said no. We had arrived in Nsukka before he finally spoke.


“Yesterday, the policemen asked the old man if he wanted a free half bucket of water. He said yes. So they told him to take his clothes off and parade the corridor. Most of my cellmates were laughing. Some of them said it was wrong to treat an old man like that.” Nnamabia paused. “I shouted at the policeman. I told him the old man was innocent and ill, and if they kept him here it wouldn’t help them find his son, because the man did not even know where his son was. They said that I should shut up immediately, that they would take me to Cell One. I didn’t care. I didn’t shut up. So they pulled me out and slapped me and took me to Cell One.”


Nnamabia stopped there, and we asked him nothing else. Instead, I imagined him calling the policeman a stupid idiot, a spineless coward, a sadist, a bastard, and I imagined the shock of the policemen—the chief staring openmouthed, the other cellmates stunned at the audacity of the boy from the university. And I imagined the old man himself looking on with surprised pride and quietly refusing to undress. Nnamabia did not say what had happened to him in Cell One, or what happened at the new site. It would have been so easy for him, my charming brother, to make a sleek drama of his story, but he did not.